yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
