who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
