my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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