I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
