I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
