Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
