it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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