You made me cry and you don't even care
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
