Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
