Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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