he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
