i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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