I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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