dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
