Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
