I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She told me I should be a condom model.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
