my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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