drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize