hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
