Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
