you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
