Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
