ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
