Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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