i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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