But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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