we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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