Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
