If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
then he tried to convert me to islam
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
