I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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