He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
