first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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