I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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