The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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