My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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