someone threw a dead crab at me
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize