I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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