hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
