I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize