i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
