I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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