Whatcha textin bout Willis?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize