did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
