Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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