I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
