smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
