I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
