I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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