Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
