so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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