Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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