I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
