I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
