there's paper in my vomit.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
