Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
