I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize